woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
