he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
