I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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