It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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