She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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