Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
