Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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