you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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