You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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