The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
