Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
