Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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