haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
...so i touched it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
