hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
