remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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