i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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