Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
