You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Randomize
