im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
