She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
