The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I will be naked everywhere
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
