does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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