I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
