I think im going to throw up on grandma
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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