I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
