my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
