im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
