get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
