allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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