the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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