He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
