that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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