My Higher Power is John Stamos
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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