Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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