On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
