did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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