I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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