What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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