Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
