nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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