I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
