i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
