Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Two words: nipple clamps
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