Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
