i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
