I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
they need to just BURY HIM!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
