it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
