I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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