Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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