Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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