Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
