Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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