My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
