woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
