I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize