lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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