I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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