I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
